Fall usually means things are ending, but I’m starting over.

I know I’ve been terrible about this. You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to post something, but just haven’t been able to write it down. I’ve been too emotional, still am, and just not ready to talk about a lot of things. I’ll start a little today, and maybe go into it more later, but please be patient with me.

Part of my hesitancy to write is because this was supposed to be a blog about gearing up to move to Boston and my adventures there. But, I’m not there. And I don’t plan to be, at least for a while. So it seemed a little pointless to write on here, and my embarrassment at not doing what I wanted to do and living the life I thought I should be living was strong. But should is a limiting word, and one that I’d like to remove from my life. I don’t want to be confined to what others think I should do or trying to compete with others about where I think my life should be right now. It’s hard to accept sometimes that if I believe in God and believe He’s watching out for me, that maybe I’m in the right place for me for this moment even if I don’t really want to be here. Don’t get me wrong, I love my jobs, and my friends and family, and I’m excited about spending another year at least with them, but it’s not where I expected or planned to be.

Things with Logan didn’t work out, and while some days I feel like a failure and utterly crushed, some days are good too. Some days I feel like I still have purpose and am needed. Some days I believe it’s all going to be okay and that I’ll find love again. But then some days, like today, I’m really lonely despite the people around me. Some days I cry over hearing the word Boston or when I look at pictures, postcards, or old memories. Some times I get really sad when I think of what could have been and what I wanted to be. But I’m slowly, ridiculously slowly, learning that I can be happy again. I can be me again and who I am is pretty great, no matter what others think.

I have a lot to offer and some day someone else will see that. My friends and family do, and I’m so thankful to you. For all the times I’ve cried with you, or vented, or had you distract me from myself and my thoughts, you’ll never know how much it’s meant to me.

And as fall continues coming every day, and I relish in my favorite season, I keep being reminded of what it means. Fall means life is dying, that the old is being replaced. But it also means that eventually something and someone new and beautiful will be here. New life will begin again. But first, we must let go of the old and thank our past for molding us into who we are now.

As I embrace this idea of regrowth and transformation, I’ve found myself drawn to minimalism. And not in a hipster trendy way, but in a real, authentic way of trying to find what really makes me happy and what really is essentially me and surrounding myself with more of that. I’ve moved twice since my last post, and I’ve given away a lot of things. I love the saying that our homes should be a reflection of who we are, and while I have a ways to go, slowly I’m living that idea out. The more I surround myself with people and items I love, the more I see beauty. Beauty in objects and people, beauty in ideas and dreams, beauty in my environment, but most importantly beauty in myself. At a time when there are days that I feel like the biggest failure and worthless especially to some, there are days I can look in the mirror and see someone who has a big heart, big hair, and big dreams for the future. Thanks for listening world out there.

Here are a few pictures highlighting the past few months.

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